Processing and Hoping (Mostly Hoping!)

We have had a few days to process the "info" we received from our last ultrasound on Friday.

I've been feeling emotionally drained...flooded with tons of questions/what ifs. We were devastated hearing that the baby's head was measuring small. It was the one thing we did not want to hear, and yet is does not mean anything definitely. So where does that leave us?

It is the first thing that I think about when I wake up, and the last thing I think about when I go to sleep. With Aidan, we didn't know what was in store for us until he was born, so I didn't worry during the pregnancy. I was already worried the minute I found out I was pregnant with this little boy. And now those worries are magnified.

One of my favorite sayings that really describes me is "Knowing nothing is better than knowing it all." Yes it is true, most of the time I prefer to live blissfully ignorant, especially in cases such as this. I don't want to worry and stress, and my doctors surely do not want me stressing. That is not good for the baby, or anyone around me!

I am filled with questions that cannot be answered at this point:

Will I have to make another Caring Bridge site for another child?
Is his head just small, and that is it, nothing else?
Will we have to care for another baby who is sick like Aidan, and will his condition be worse?
Will the fetal MRI really help reassure me? Or will it make the rest of my pregnancy even more scary?
Do I have some recessive gene that only passes this onto little boys? If we have a girl someday will she carry this recessive gene? (Jumping ahead of myself, I know).

And most importantly - will this be our last baby? My last pregnancy? Will all our babies be sick, even though we were told what happened with Aidan was random?

No matter what, we already love this baby very much, and I am fully prepared to care for him to the highest standard. Just like with Aidan. Nothing can be changed at this point, no matter what the outcome.

However, would we have chosen to have another baby if we were told that it was genetic? What if it really wasn't random in Aidan's case? I am not so sure we would have continued to have more children. Do I think I could conscientiously choose to have another child and watch them suffer in any way just for the sake of having a child? I don't know the answer to that question. At this point I just think that obviously this baby was meant to be!

I have my ups and downs. At times I feel like disappearing and wondering why this would happen again, and IF it is even happening again. I don't want to assume the worst, even though it is a doctors job to present the worse-case scenario. I don't want to condemn the baby to my thoughts of him already being sick.

When I first got pregnant it took me forever to bond with the idea that we were even having another baby, because I was scared and I didn't know how attached I should get to the idea of a healthy baby. Slowly I allowed myself to get used to that idea. And now I feel myself slipping back, and becoming less of an optimist and more of a realist. Preparing myself for another baby that might be sick. I am scared to buy another crib, scared to buy another car seat. It was so hard for us as parents to come home to a empty nursery after Aidan was born, not knowing how long he would be with us on this earth. It makes me sad that at times I cannot enjoy my pregnancy now, and I certainly do NOT enjoy ultrasounds. They borderline cause me to have panic attacks.

It has taken every ounce of me to come to grips with the idea that Aidan will never develop normally, and that his time with us will most likely be short. It takes a long time to give up on the idea of a healthy child and we still grieve over the loss of the child we dreamt he would be. However, we have come to love who he is, and we cannot imagine him being any other way at this point. We love him whole heartedly for who he is. Just when I have started to feel like I can breathe again, the breath has been taken from me again. The worrying is back, the sadness, the anger. One step forward, 10 steps back...

I would like to think the doctor sounded hopeful. Even the genetic counselor admitted that he thought the doctor was hopeful. That is good news, and I hold onto that thought. When Aidan was born, we were given no hope. The news kept getting worse and worse, and I remember just wanting to scream "Can't someone just give us a little hope that he will be ok?" And we never received one ounce of hope. So now, I am grasping for what hope I can find - I look for the sound of hope in the voice of the doctor, the technician, the genetic counselor, other moms who are in similar situations, and even other moms who are not in our situation.

I have been looking at the ultrasound pictures over and over, and comparing them with Aidan's. Just like the doctor did. In fact, I was already doing this before our ultrasound on Friday. Looking for differences, or similarities. I have been looking at the graphs that we were given comparing abdominal size and head size, both with this baby and Aidan. The biggest hope I hold onto is that the ratio of head size to tummy size is better than with Aidan's. I also know that babies grow at different rates and body parts grow at different rates, so 4 weeks from now things can be more level. I also hold onto the idea that ultrasound measurements are not perfect. Also, the biggest contributor to a baby's head size is the maternal head size. The doctor said because I am small he wouldn't expect a big head from this baby. And overall the baby is on the small side.

I have received many good messages from many people, and that really helps. It helps to hear people say that everything will be ok, or that they don't think anything will be wrong. I don't know why that helps, it just does. If it gets me through 5 more minutes in the day, then that's a plus!

I know I have said this before, and I will say it again - I do not like the saying "God never gives you more than you can handle." I just do not like that saying. It makes it seem like "Hey, since you are a strong person, I am going to send all these hard times your way. Because hey - You can handle it!" I don't think any one person should have more hard times than another person, no matter what their coping skills or strength level is. I have witnessed the most faithful, God abiding people go through extremely hard times, and I have also seen non-believers go through rough times. I think that life is just plain unfair, and you deal with it, and hope it does not break you completely. The only thing I can do as a person is concentrate on the things I am grateful for - show my gratitude for all the good things in my life.

The next 4 weeks will be long, as we wait for our next ultrasound (which I dread - just because). I know I shouldn't spend the next few weeks worrying, so I will try to put all my energy into being positive. I am going to bust out my "The Secret" book and re-read the health section over and over. Whenever I read that book it helps me have positive thoughts. Positive thinking has gotten me through a lot in my life, and now is the time to really focus on not giving up.

I guess to wrap this up - I want to say thank you for all the supportive messages as we go through this scary, uncertain time. We appreciate all the positive thoughts and prayers! We are very thankful for a very supportive family, group of friends and great doctors! And most importantly, thank you for loving our boys!