Counting Wednesdays

A dear friend of mine had a dream and Aidan came to her to tell her 'pencils' will be his sign that he is near.  How cool! It's something random yet very specific.  And the meaning behind it... that we are to continue writing and creating our stories, our journey.  And if we are ever missing Aidan, that we can write to him.

That is just what I have been doing.  In short jaunts, quick blips, I've been writing to you, Aidan.  Losing you, missing you, has been so unbelievably life changing.  I knew it would be, but you don't realize how much so until it happens.  For one thing, there is not a second that you are not on my mind.  Literally.  It's like you are the background of all my thoughts.

Amidst all the change, I can't help but feel so much peace.  I think you are helping with that, Aidan (thank you!).  At times I feel guilty, as if I should be more angry??  But... I've never felt more sure about how sweet and special your soul is, and how needed you are in Heaven now. Although I want you here... 

I close my eyes and try to remember everything. How you smell.  The feeling of your forehead when I kiss it.  Your happy squeals.  How it feels to pick you up.  The touch of your soft, wild hair. Your noisy breathing... I remember all of these things and close my eyes as if to train my brain to never forget.  I'm so scared I'll forget...   

Life does move on.  At a terrifying speed at times, but not fast enough to get me through a lifetime to where I can see you again!  We all have our lives and issues and stuff and moments and I feel no resentment for that... All these daily life things, without you here physically.  It's all so new.  I'm half in a fog and half in reality.

Four Wednesdays.  Yes, I am counting... 

Oh, if I could scoop you up in my arms right now... To be able to hear your little noises, and to feel your chest rise and fall with each breath... I cannot wait to hug you again someday!

Your birth made me want to be a better person. Your death has made me want to be even better. For you, I want to be as kind as I can be, as helpful, as generous.  I want you to be proud of me as your Mama.  There is not a day spent that I don't want to honor you and your soul's journey. I have cried every day since that Wednesday. And I will grieve every day that I walk this Earth without you - but I will not let it swallow me up. I will carry on, soak up life the best that I can, and shower your brothers with love.  All of this, I will do for you, Aidan.