Transition

We are gearing up for the transition from family of 4 to family of 5!  If we have this baby at 38 weeks like we did with Aidan and Ty, then it looks like we have less than 6 weeks to go!

My mind has been in a fog for sometime now, and it doesn't help that time is flying by!  I haven't had a chance to grasp the concept of another baby boy in this house?!  With Aidan and Ty, my pregnancy felt very real and I was very ready.  With this pregnancy I'm in total la-la land!  My mind has been so boggled down by the many wonders and worries as we make this transition - I need to snap out of it because this baby is coming soon!

We are thankful to have the relief of knowing this baby looks healthy and typical.  Of course, with this knowledge, we have new worries.  It is almost like we are becoming new parents in a way.  With Aidan and Ty, we kind of make our own parenting 'rules'.  We break a lot of the typical parenting norms because that is what works best for our boys and for their condition.  We think outside of the box when it comes to caring for Aidan and Ty - and what works for them isn't always what would work for a neuro-typical baby!  Now I'm prepping myself for thinking back 'inside the box' of typical parenting stuff.  For example - watching for milestones.  Yes, I know we aren't supposed to stress too much about our babies hitting those milestones at an exact moment, but you have to understand - we haven't had to watch for milestones AT ALL.  I have no clue when a baby starts to do certain things ha!  This will be new to us!  I'm guessing I'll have to perfect the art of mashing up my styles of parenting - thinking INSIDE and OUTSIDE the box! 

For two years now we have been fairly secluded in a world that has, for the most part, included only children with special needs.  Our normal is parenting babies with a rare medical condition.  Although we do not like it, we are used to seeing our babies have seizures every few minutes.  And sadly, we have also grown accustomed to seeing/hearing of our friends' babies & children passing away from the same conditions that Aidan and Ty have.  This world that we are a part of is all we know.  Soon we will be entering unchartered territory and that is scary to us!  We are nervous!  For so long now we have experienced one type of parenting - we've experienced the unconditional love from our two little angels.  Now we will get to have a whole new parenting experience! When two worlds combine!  Yes, we are scared - but excited at the same time.  Bring it on!  

To have any children is a joy in itself - and for some reason we have been chosen to be blessed with two very different parenting experiences.  We wouldn't see the world the way we do now if it hadn't been for Aidan and Ty.  We appreciate them, and life, in ways that I know some people will never comprehend.  And soon, we will get to have the joy of raising a typical child.  It blows my mind to think of all the things we will learn from all three of our boys combined!

Jason and I talk about when the new baby arrives - what it will be like to have a baby look at us, or see us.   Just the other day I realized this baby will be able to see his brothers!  It's such a small thought, but such a big deal!  We talk about what it'll be like to see this baby hold a toy or be able to reach out for something.  And for him to someday be able to feed himself?!  Wow!  And of course, to have this baby not experiences seizures - to never have to see him wake up from a sound sleep because of a horrible seizure, to never see him try to do something only to be stopped by a seizure.  It'll be amazing.  The small things that some people may take for granted will surely blow us away when we see them happen.  At this point in our journey, we don't really think about what the boys cannot do.  We love all that they CAN do.  But you can be assured that we will totally appreciate all the things that this new baby will do!

On top of feeling happy & relieved after learning of the baby's MRI results, I was also surprised to find myself feeling sad.  That same night after receiving the MRI results, I found myself feeling really down (and then of course I felt guilty because I should have been totally elated!).  While we knew the baby inside me was neuro-typical, he was in fact, still inside my belly.  Aidan and Ty were right there in front of me.  They were having their usual seizures every few minutes.  All of a sudden those seizures that we had become so desensitized to began to look very harsh.  It really hurt to see them.  And I couldn't help but wish that Aidan and Ty had received the same clean bill of neuro health just as this baby had.  And frankly, I just plain do not want to lose them.  Knowing that the new baby had the chance at a long, healthy life - I couldn't help but remember how shortly after Aidan and Ty were born, we were told that they wouldn't live very long.  I was very down because the good news about the baby also reminded me of how much I don't want to lose the two boys who were sitting right in front of me.

After feeling all sad and down, I started to feel very guilty.  How can I be happy and relieved about the baby, yet sad and down at the same time?!  Exhausting!  I felt guilty because at the core of it all - I don't want to feel sad about the boys.  I have always wanted to associate the boys with happiness and feeling blessed.  I do accept them for exactly who they are, and I know they are just as they were meant to be.  Their purpose here on earth is greater than any of us will ever know.  I'm reminded of all that they CAN do and all that they HAVE done, and without even uttering a single word.  I know they  have touched many lives, so how can I be sad?!  I don't want to change them or 'fix' them.  I don't think they need to be fixed.  But, like I said, as a mother - I don't want to ever lose them.  So I guess a part of me will always be sad about that.  But I am not sad about who they are - their challenges, although hard to watch, make them who they are.  They are the strongest little boys I know!  And happy on top of it all!!!!

I have so many thoughts, wonders & worries as we prepare for our family to grow - I would never have enough space or time to write it all!  We will continue to give thanks in all things - good and bad.  As we make this transition, we know we are blessed to have the view on life that we do because of our boys.  Soon, our family dynamic will change.  It will surely be an adventure and our views on life will expand even more!